The year 2023 will forever be etched in my memory  – my (step)dad passed unexpectedly in April a couple weeks after I had spent 2 weeks with my parents vacationing in Germany, flew home and had no idea that he would pass 2 weeks later and nobody knows what exactly was wrong with him, he just got weaker, had to go to the hospital and died after 11 days in the hospital. I was first thinking of writing an entire blog about the circumstances, the regrets and working through all the unanswered questions of why, why now, how can that be, what could I have done…but when I started to write about everything I didn’t really get far before breaking apart again. And honestly I don’t want to go into every little detail anymore that I have re-lived for the past 8 months almost daily thinking about what I could have done more to help figure out why my dad was so weak and constantly passing out. It wont change a thing, we will never know what really happened with him and mum and I did the best we could do in the moment and sometimes the universe just has different plans, no matter what could have, would have, should have. So I honor my dad quietly daily when I walk by the “memorial chair” we have on our property with his picture on it and have my morning chat with him on my “way to work” when walking from the house to the cabin and back. Tomorrow I will tell him that I finally tackled the blog entry that I was procrastinating for so long, feeling guilty writing stories about how my life continues while his ended.

I was so lucky that I took 2 weeks vacation in March for my mums birthday and flew to Germany to spend two full weeks with my parents in the Erzgebirge (Ore Mountains), to celebrate my mums birthday away from home in 3 years since the onset of Corona. Luck for sure wasn’t with us and during a day trip to Karlsbad, my mum broke her foot and she had to have emergency surgery on her ankle.

The trooper my mum is, she insisted to get out of the hospital after 3 (instead of 9) days and I packed up all our stuff and drove us back from the Erzgebirge home to Moenchengladbach, got my parents set up in their condo with food delivery and groceries and then left a couple days later back to the US.

That’s when things got even worse and a day after I arrived back home in the US my mum called that my dad had to be brought to the emergency care and had to stay in the hospital. 11 days later he passed. My biggest regret being that I didn’t stay longer to help my mum with her broken foot, I would have been there when my dad suddenly had to go to the hospital and I would have been there when he passed. But again, the universe had other plans for me. That’s what I will leave it at. My dad was a very quiet and private man and I know that he wouldn’t want me to rehash his last days in detail on the Internet.

I travelled back for my dads funeral 2 weeks later. My mum had arranged for a “forest grave”. She has always been a “modern and forward thinker”, and didn’t want me having to take care of the a “fancy” grave site with all the frills of flowers and watering” especially once she will pass and me living thousand of miles away. Alfred also loved the woods and mum and Alfred spent lots of time walking/hiking through the woods; so a forest/tree grave site was just perfect for my him. I also got to take some ashes with me that Mike and I also deposited into a tree here on our property.

After the funeral and before I left to go back to the US, my mum and I went to the cemetery one more time, and all I can say is that I felt like I was in a different dimension walking to my dads grave side, my brain somehow hadn’t processed yet that I wouldn’t see my dad anymore, it was the most surreal feeling, you know your dad is gone but you just can’t believe that you really will never see him again, never talk with him again, never hug him again. I will forever have this picture imprinted on my brain when I saw my dad the last time in their condo in the hallway, mum and dad standing next to each other, saying good bye to them and hugging both of them before I left for the airport. Never would I have imagined it was the last time I would hug my dad. I am just so unbelievable grateful that I was able to spent 2 full weeks with him just before his passing.

I took this photo of my mum when we visited my dads grave site a couple days after the funeral and this is the saddest picture I have ever taken, for so many different reasons….

Remembering My Father

Though not my biological father, Alfred was the best dad I could have ever asked for. He entered my life when I was young and loved me as his own. Alfred was the steady rock of our family, the person we could always rely on. He worked tirelessly to provide for my mom and me, sacrificing to put me through university. Though he was quiet and reserved, he had a wicked sense of dry German humor.

He put up with my wild teenage years with patience and good humor. Even when I was difficult, he was always there for me. As an adult, I came to appreciate how he created stability and always made sure we were taken care of.

Alfred was a proud Bavarian. He loved his beer and pork roast and made the best dumplings I’ve ever tasted. He had a brilliant engineer’s mind, loved reading and cooking with my mum.

Mum and Alfred absolutely loved traveling Europe and came visiting me quite a few times in the US. We made endless wonderful memories as Mike and I showed them the western US, Canada and Mexico.

Losing him so suddenly at 74 was a shock. It pains me to think of the years stolen from his retirement. But I find solace knowing he left us quietly, before suffering set in.

I am devastated that he is gone, and wish I didn’t live so far away in his final year. But the memories of joy we shared will stay in my heart forever. He was a great man, and I strive to emulate his quiet strength. Though he is no longer here, I can feel his love when he visits me sometimes in my dreams.

One Day I will see you again…..hopefully you will be waiting for me at the end of the rainbow when its my time….RIP

(the last photo taken – makes me happy that it is with his favorite drink – beer!)